I had a long-term working partnership that went sour. We ran a yoga studio together and initially had a strong connection and shared many profound conversations. However, things started to deteriorate when I suggested that we create a contract outlining the financial split in the event that one of us wanted to part ways. My business partner became angry and accused me of being greedy, which led to a breakdown in trust and a diminishing connection between us.
Despite attempts to repair the relationship, we had several more misunderstandings and miscommunications that further strained our connection. I eventually reached a tipping point and decided to end the partnership, even though it meant giving up ownership of the studio.
Even after the end of the relationship, I have been left with lingering feelings of anger and frustration. I still feel misunderstood and feel that my business partner twisted my words and used them against me. The unresolved tension and lack of resolution has left me with what is known as an "incompletion," which continues to affect me even after the end of the relationship.
Principle #1: Unacknowledged thoughts and feelings keep us stuck in the past and hinder our ability to fully connect in the present.
An incompletion is this nagging feeling that comes from trying to communicate something to someone but those words are not really understood. Worse, they might even have been twisted and used against us. It's this unresolved frustration and hurt from the past that makes it impossible to be available for the relationship in this present moment.
This experience of not being received or understood is what we might call an incompletion in a relationship. In a relationship, things can go south when one person tries to express themselves and the other person doesn't get it. Maybe they reject it, contradict it, or dismiss it. If the other person doesn't understand or accept what's being said, it leaves the person expressing themselves feeling incomplete. They feel like they tried to communicate something, but it wasn't accepted, leaving them feeling misunderstood, rejected, and possibly hurt and alone.
This feeling of being misunderstood is common in relationships, and it can be hard to trust the other person when they don't seem to get our point of view. Incompletions prevent us from relating to one another in the present moment. We’re still caught in the past where our expression was not acknowledged or understood. If this goes on for too long, we might start to shut down and stop communicating altogether.
Principle #2: Misunderstandings breed mistrust.
When we don't feel like we're getting through to someone, we tend to either get confrontational or try to back off. Some of us might start raising our voices or become more insistent, while others might try to avoid the conflict by pretending it's not happening and hoping it will just go away. If we keep trying to make ourselves understood and the other person just won't listen, we might eventually get fed up and either start holding back what we say or just stop communicating altogether.
It's not always a big deal if everything we say isn't totally understood, but it can be annoying when small things we say are ignored or misunderstood. We all want to feel understood by others, and it can be hurtful when someone can't or won't see things from our point of view. When we don't feel understood, it can be hard to trust the person and we might just stop talking to them instead of risking rejection. When the person is someone we're really close with, like a family member or partner, it can really mess up the relationship and even cause it to fall apart.
Principle #3: Incompletions distort our perception.
When we're feeling misunderstood, it's easy to start distorting the other person and seeing their flaws as bigger and more pronounced. We might start to exaggerate their negative traits and downplay their good ones, which can lead us to see them in a really negative light. That's what happened with my business partner, who went from being a trusted colleague and friend to a "crazy lady with a personality disorder" in my mind.
It's hard to heal from an incompletion. It's like this thing that's always nagging at us, whether it's because we never fully addressed it or because we tried to, but things got too tense and we couldn't resolve it. It's this unresolved frustration and hurt that hangs around, whether we're still relating or the relationship has come to an unhappy ending. We may try to move on and find someone new to replace the person we had the incompletion with, but we may just end up with the same issue again.
Principle #4: Pain that is acknowledged and felt can heal; pain that is ignored festers.
We can become aware of incompletions by paying attention to our feelings in our relationships. If something feels "off" or "not quite right," it could be a sign of an incompletion. Another way to spot incompletions is to think about our experiences and relationships and see if there are any problems or misunderstandings that have yet to be resolved. These might be causing tension or discomfort and could be signs of incompletions.
When we become aware of incompletions, it's important to be honest with ourselves about how they are affecting us. This may mean acknowledging and feeling the pain or discomfort caused by the unresolved issues or miscommunications. It can be difficult to let ourselves feel these emotions, especially if we've already shut down or disconnected from the person or relationship involved. However, ignoring these feelings doesn't make them go away; they stay hidden somewhere in our minds and bodies, weighing us down, dimming our spirits or dulling our clarity. But if we can confront these feelings, we can start to understand what it was that we were trying to say that wasn't being received, or what the other person was trying to express that we didn't understand.
Principle #5: To repair a relationship, we must be willing to listen first.
To repair the relationship, we have to be willing to take the first step and break the stalemate, even if it seems counterintuitive. This means putting our own hurt and frustration aside and really trying to listen and understand the other person's perspective. One way to do this is by saying something like "Okay, I'm willing to listen. Can you explain to me again what I've been ignoring or not hearing?"
When we're feeling misunderstood and hurt, it's natural to want to distance ourselves from the person who is causing us pain. But in order to resolve the feeling of being incomplete, the first and most difficult step is to be willing to listen to the other person's words, even when they haven't been willing to listen to ours. We might have to temporarily set aside our own hurt and frustration. By doing this, we give the other person a chance to express the storehouse of assumptions and disappointments.
Principle #6: Take a step back and try to see things from their point of view.
If we want to move past this issue, we need to try to see things from their perspective, even if it feels weird or we don't agree with them. We can't just brush off their feelings or thoughts because they don't align with our own. We need to try to understand where they're coming from and why they feel the way they do. It's not about agreeing with them, but it's about acknowledging that they have a valid perspective based on their own experiences and background.
When we ask the other person to tell us what we have previously been deflecting or rejecting, we're attempting to step into their shoes, see their words from their point of view, and see how they would see circumstances the way they do. We want to hear their words and how their experience emerges from their personal experience of life.
Principle #7: Completing the past enables us to fully embrace the present in our relationships.
Once we sense that the other person can grasp our experience, our incompletion vanishes. We lose that nagging sense that something is incomplete in that relationship. We no longer feel that that person either doesn’t get us or doesn’t care to get us. As soon as that happens, we’re no longer caught in the past. We’re complete.
Melissa gets upset when she feels like the responsibilities in the household are not being shared equally, and her way of expressing this can sometimes be critical or shaming. This can make me resistant to understanding her perspective and acknowledging her feelings. However, when Melissa is able to understand and acknowledge the deeper impact of her words and the emotional baggage that it triggers in me, it can create a better understanding between us and allow me to be receptive to her needs.
When the incompletion is gone, we’re more available to get their world, to get their perspective. We’re more willing to put aside our need to be right but to understand them. When we’re understood, we naturally seek to understand one another. Somebody has to be willing to create the opportunity for the other person to empty out. Again, that move is counterintuitive but has the potential to generate profound relief.
When both people feel understood, it's like a weight is lifted and the relationship becomes easier and clearer. We can then work together to find new ways to avoid similar issues in the future and explore new possibilities. If there's no ease or lightness in the relationship, it means something has not been fully understood or acknowledged yet, and it may take more time and effort.
It's easy to ignore our thoughts and feelings or let misunderstandings slide, but doing so can cause problems and create distance between us and the people we care about. It may be tempting to avoid confrontation or try to sweep things under the rug, but if we don’t courageously step up and be willing to understand the other person, we likely won’t ever be understood ourselves. When we listen to and understand each other, we can heal and strengthen our relationships.
Summary:
We must fully understand (but not necessarily agree with) one another for relationships to thrive.
When our expressions are ignored or rejected, not only does distrust build up in that relationship, but we are left feeling frustrated.
Until we bring honesty and transparency to the relationships that matter most, we often find ourselves recreating the same turmoil in other relationships.