When we experience danger or threats, it's normal to suppress or ignore our emotions to protect ourselves and react effectively. However, if we don't process these emotions properly, they can harm our mental and emotional health and can negatively impact our relationships. Emotions can get stuck in the system, building up over time and interfering with our ability to live healthy and satisfying lives.
John came to our meeting and told me that he had a tough time dealing with the memories from his recent visit to see his dad. He said he was struggling to process them and had been trying to push them away for a few weeks. He described it as like gritting his teeth and just trying to power through. And on top of all that, he was carrying around this sense of impending doom
Unfortunately, it wasn't a great experience for John. While he was there, John saw his dad drinking a lot of whiskey and using abusive language toward his partner. This understandably left John feeling pretty upset and on edge. He'd been trying to shake off the memories, but the one that kept haunting him was the smell of booze and vomit. He'd tried, but he just couldn't shake off that smell. It'd been haunting him the last few weeks.
Emovere
The word "emotion" comes from the Latin word "emovere," which means "to move out." This makes sense when you think about it - emotions are meant to be felt and expressed, not bottled up inside. When we acknowledge and give our emotions the space they need to flow through us, we allow them to move out rather than getting stuck and causing us harm in the long run.
To better understand and take care of our emotions, it's important to confront and acknowledge them rather than ignore or suppress them. When we push our emotions down, they can become stuck and potentially cause harm over time. But when we process and release them, we can resolve what was previously stuck and allow our emotions to flow through us. When our emotions are no longer suppressed or ignored, we can make choices that align with our values and goals, rather than being driven by unprocessed emotions. This can lead to a greater sense of clarity, purpose, and the ability to act in ways that benefit ourselves and others.
Focusing on the Felt Sense
I began our meeting with John by having him focus on his breathing and the physical sensations in his chest and belly to anchor him in the present moment. Then I asked him to revisit the memory of his recent visit with his father and to pay attention to both the memory and the sensations and emotions he was experiencing. By moving back and forth between the memory and the present, John could observe and become more aware of his thoughts and feelings.
His first response was, "It feels icky. I want to pull away from him. I can still smell the scent of puke and alcohol."
I encouraged John to stay with the smell and to notice how his mind and body rejected the experience. As he took in the smells, memories of his father's incoherent, moaned speech started flooding in. Then John named that he was starting to feel frozen, almost like fear.
Our bodies remember past traumatic experiences, and they trigger the release of stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, even if there isn't an immediate threat. They still react as if there is. This is because the brain has learned that this response was helpful in the past. During the freeze response, we may feel numb, or like we can't move. This defense mechanism is designed to protect us from danger by shutting down and avoiding any actions that might put us in harm's way.
Acknowledging the Parts
Our inner selves are made up of multiple "parts," each with its own unique thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When we acknowledge and validate these parts, we can better understand our inner experiences. By empathizing with them and creating a safe space for them to express themselves, we can decrease the intensity of our emotions.
I encouraged John to place a hand on his heart and the other on the lower belly, right below the belly button, to make contact and comfort the part inside that feels frozen by the memory.
Placing a hand on one's heart and belly can have a calming effect on the nervous system, as it promotes the release of hormones that contribute to feelings of well-being and comfort. This physical connection with the body can facilitate the processing of overwhelming emotions.
I then suggested to John, "Perhaps you could let that scared part know that you know it's scared, that you see it, and you promise not to ignore its concerns."
After a long pause, John said, "I felt that part inside, not just scared but angry with me for not taking care of him. And then I said I was sorry. I tried to let it know that I would not ignore it again, but that just made it worse. So then I just said that I was sorry, and I think it forgave me."
Self-Compassion
Acknowledging and validating our inner parts requires a gentle approach that many of us have not yet learned to cultivate. We've often been taught to push away or dismiss our feelings and thoughts rather than really understand and validate them. And in most cultures, personal feelings are not given much importance, which can lead individuals to ignore their emotions and thoughts altogether. But if we can learn to be present with our thoughts and feelings without judging them, we can develop greater self-compassion.
Self-compassion is all about treating ourselves with the same level of kindness and understanding that we would extend to others. When we're self-compassionate, we can accept ourselves, flaws and all, without any harsh judgment or criticism. This can help us feel more connected, stronger, and more emotionally stable, and it can also help reduce our levels of stress, anxiety, and depression.
So I asked John to check back in to see how this scared part inside was doing now that it wasn't so mad at him.
John shared this really interesting visual he had in his mind. He talked about how he pictured himself holding the hand of this scared part of himself and moving it away from his father while he himself moved toward his dad. It was like he was finally able to see his father's sickness and the impact that addiction was having on him. This shift in perspective helped John see his dad's addiction as something separate, like a disease causing harm not just to their relationship but to his dad's overall well-being.
Then John said, "I can see my dad is just sick, and his sickness is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to protect myself from the negative effects of my father's addiction. I can see his hatred, but when I am there, and not that part inside that's so angry, it's still sad, but I don't feel responsible for it."
John realized something really important here. He could see that his father's addiction was an illness and not something that he himself had caused or could fix. And with this perspective, John was able to prioritize his own well-being while still wanting the best for his father.
"I have this feeling that I can wish my dad peace, for him to be serene and let it go. I'm not holding on to his pain. I can let it go."
I asked him how this wish for his dad felt.
"It feels new. I am used to expecting or anticipating the next drama, but I feel relaxed and neutral. I am so used to not wanting dad to be this way, but I can see that it's not so personal."
John's story shows how powerful it can be to give ourselves the time and space to process our emotions in a nonjudgmental way. He turned things around from being really overwhelmed and anxious to accepting and understanding himself and his father's illness. It wasn't easy, but by tuning in to his emotions and not pushing them away, he was able to move through the fear and anger and start on a path toward healing.
It's really important to pay attention to our emotions because they can have a big impact on how we feel overall and how we experience life. Giving ourselves the time and space actually to feel our feelings and understand what they are can help us process them in a healthy way. It might take some patience and practice, but with time we can develop a better relationship with what we feel and learn to see what they're trying to show us. Often when we acknowledge what we think and feel, the intensity of the emotion tends to settle down.