Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose a response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
—Victor Frankl
The saying goes that "You reap what you sow," but we are not always aware of the seeds we scatter about. Taking a mindfulness approach to our leadership means that we are taking responsibility for how we influence others. Responsibility is often understood as a duty. Instead, what I am implying by the word responsibility is the ability to respond in any given situation. When we are able to respond, we can choose which seeds we would like to plant and which ones we won’t. Do we want to create a wave of anxiety throughout the workplace because we aren’t close to meeting our year-end numbers, or do we want to motivate with excitement by creating a challenge that causes those around us to step-up?
Having the ability to respond allows us to put mental time and space between a stimulus and an action. Because we think what we feel instead of feeling what we think, from a neurobiological perspective, this space of mind enables the range of possibilities to be considered. Having the ability to respond affords us the choice to be our "wisest self" possible in a given circumstance we find ourselves in, whether it is charged with emotional intensity or not.
I want to share a useful three-step formula from Brother David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine monk known for interfaith dialogue and his work on the interaction between spirituality and science. He came up with a three-part “Recipe for Grateful Living: Stop! Look! Go!” that he shares in this TED Talk. Brother David designed these steps as a down and dirty gratefulness practice, but it works equally as a practice of engaged mindfulness, of being present enough to achieve a high degree of "respond-ability" in any situation.
Stop!
For Brother David, stopping is about pausing for “the gift this moment offers you.” From the perspective of mindfulness, we stop to come back to the here and now. It is only in the present moment where we can effect change, and we miss it when we move non-stop. We don’t often take a break out of our unceasing momentum, except when we sleep. We tend to run in an automatic, unceasing momentum, thanks to caffeine and the high value our culture places on productivity. Stopping can be particularly difficult, especially when someone hands us a hot potato and we are sent into a fit of rage, or we are asked to make a decision but are not sure how to respond. The only place, though, where we have the power to create, to generate something new, something appropriate is in the present moment.
Developing the knack for breaking motion can be very powerful, as it stimulates the middle prefrontal cortex, the portion of the brain that allows us to move through the world with wisdom, foresight, and level-headedness. Stopping does not require that we always halt for hours or even minutes. A stop can be as short as a moment. It need only be long enough to:
1. Note how does the situation affect the depth and speed of our breath? 2. Note the emotional charge in our body by quickly: a. Locating it b. Labeling the emotion(s) c. Noting sensations
As an example, it comes to our attention that a new employee has mismanaged a longstanding customer relationship, and we notice that we’re triggered: our faces are red-hot and our breath is shallow and rapid.
The more we become habituated to pausing, the less reactive we are. An interesting neuroimaging study by researcher, Julie Brefcyznski-Lewis and her colleagues revealed that when long-term meditators were subjected to negative sounds, like a woman screaming, they showed less amygdala activation compared to novice meditators. The more hours one meditated, the lower the activation. Simply by practicing mindfulness meditation, we develop an innate capacity to pause before we act, especially when we feel strong negative emotion. That way we are not trapped by our autopilot-like ingrained behaviors.
Look!
Once we’ve stopped, that middle prefrontal cortex is stimulated. It will naturally dampen whatever amydgala hijack might be taking place. It will also help us to use the time and space we’ve created to see, as Brother David puts it, “the opportunity available now.” From the standpoint of mindfulness, before we react, we:
1. Look at the circumstances we find ourselves. 2. Consider results we want to create 3. Formulate a response that bridges the gap between our desired impact and the situation we are attempting to effect.
By pausing and looking, we can distinguish between the emotions we feel and the outcomes we want to have. As a result we can tailor a response that meets the latter rather than the former, or we can figure out a way to have both expressed in a way that has positive impact.
In the example above of the employee who has mismanaged a customer relationship, we might initially be angry or frustrated, but by stopping, as we did before, we will become less triggered and cannot help but see that the employee is a novice. It is likely that he or she is not aware of his mistake. So we might consider this breakdown as a training opportunity for the employee.
Like stopping, looking can take time, but not a great deal of time is needed. We may not have endless time to get a subtle read on the internal sensations or mull over lots of options. Sometimes we are so triggered that any answer will be one of reaction. In that case, we are not ready to choose, and so we may respectfully ask for more time. If clarity of action isn’t forthcoming in the time that is allotted, a quick rule-of-thumb is to pause long enough to allow our emotional reactivity to diminish enough so that we can see options that are non-defensive or aggressive. The quality of our mind has a strong impact on the outcome. If we have made a choice from a place of clarity, we will experience more clarity. If we make a choice from a place of unrest, the results will often lead to more unrest.
Go!
But when we are clear, we go. And this is what makes Brother David’s recipe distinct from most contemplative practices. Instead of endlessly staying in the cave of stop and look for the next 20 years, Brother David is encouraging us, “To do something with this precious opportunity!” And when we engage, we give ourselves complete permission to follow the clarity that emerged in the look phase. Mindful action does not mean that we always speak in soft, whispering, pseudo-meditator-like tones. When we are engaged in a mindful way, we bring whatever energy is needed for a given situation. If intensity is needed, we bring that. Whatever the course of action, we do so whole-heartedly. We don’t hold back.
Sometimes we must take strong and forceful action. Maybe someone is being aggressive toward a weaker person. If that is the case, we might sense an obligation to stop him or her. In the case of the employee who does not recognize the mistake, we might previously have paused before reacting and offered our respect by attempting to see his or her perspective. We might even have attempted in mild ways to let them know that we do not agree with them or that they’ve disappointed us. If he or she continues to disregard us, it can be useful to take hard action.
What makes the orientation of Stop! Look! Go! unique is that we do what needs to be done in a given situation, but we do so without losing the balance of our minds. When we must take strong action, we Stop! and Look! By doing so, we notice the quality of our emotions and thoughts. If we are agitated and act from this place, we will only be planting seeds of agitation. If, on the other hand, we are centered and even-minded, the quality of seeds we will plant will most likely result in a positive outcome.